Why is it so hard to rest?

Question: How are you?

Answer: I'm fine.

Question: How are you, really?

Answer: Well actually, I'm exhausted.

The above scenario is not an uncommon one. In speaking to team members, clients and friends, when asking the second question, the response is almost always different than the initial answer. I'm guilty of this myself, especially when the question is asked in the midst of a period of busyness.

While well-intended, the question, "How are you?" tends to elicit a habitual response. In our fast-paced world, we rarely take the time to pause and check in with ourself to see how we are. The follow-up question provides an opportunity to disrupt the automatic response.

After tuning in, many realize that they are tired, exhausted, depleted. When do you take your rest? Do you wait until you are completely exhausted or are forced to rest (illness, injury, etc.)? The natural thought that follows the awareness of depleted energy is a need to get more rest. It sounds simple, but getting the rest we say we want can prove to be challenging.

In exploring why it feels so hard to rest, I did some research and reflection and learned a few interesting things that I wanted to share.

There are many different types of rest.
When you think of rest, what comes to mind? If you're like the majority of the population, you think of sleep, but according to Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, author and rest expert, there are 7 types of rest: Physical (includes active and passive forms), Mental, Sensory, Creative, Emotional, Social and Spiritual. She says that many of us are "rest-deprived". Noticing what type of rest you need is really important. Keep in mind you may need more than one form of rest depending on what's going on in your life. If you participated in a weekend educational conference that included a series of Zoom calls and online networking, you may need mental, sensory and social rest. That may consist of a day without screens, spending time outdoors in nature alone or with people where the interactions feel restorative and rejuvenating.
 
Rest will feel out of reach until you address the obstacles in the way.
We tell ourselves that we need rest and almost immediately our mind begins to run a long list of of very convincing reasons for why we can't rest. I spent some time reflecting on my own reasons (otherwise known as excuses) for why I don't allow myself to rest more. Here are the ones that come up most often:

• I don't have enough time - This thought is really poisonous. "Enough" is subjective and it seems that time is one asset that we rarely feel we have enough of. If we wait until we feel like we have enough time, rest will come infrequently, if at all. Be aware of the associated thoughts including I'm too busy and There's too much to do. Prioritize rest by scheduling it on your calendar as you would any other important appointment.
  
  
• Believing that rest = lazy - I grew up in a culture where rest was discouraged. There was always something to do (as evidenced by an adult relative stating they can find something for you to do if you were "just laying around with nothing to do"). I remember watching my aunt go from one activity to the next while silently willing her to just sit down and spend time with me during my summer visits. As I think of the women in my family and community I remember them always doing something. And while I now know that rest is not synonymous with laziness, it's taking some time to dismantle this belief. Identifying the beliefs that you have that get in the way of rest is important because once you are aware of them, you can then determine whether they are serving you and choose to let them go or keep them. 
  
  
• An unwillingness to experience uncomfortable emotions - When we create space and time for rest we may be greeted by unfamiliar and unwelcome thoughts and emotions. There is a reason for the global epidemic of busyness and overwork. We are chasing after serial accomplishments (usually without pausing long enough to acknowledge or celebrate them) and running from fears, doubts and insecurities. If you're busy for most of your waking hours, there's little time left to think about a troubled relationship, weight creep, dissatisfaction with work, etc. So what do you do? First, set an intention to be willing to tolerate and experience any emotion whether positive or negative. Next, notice what thoughts and emotions come up when you've planned time for rest. Can you allow the emotion to be there without fighting it, resisting it or fleeing from it? Practice tolerating it for just a few minutes and see what it feels like in your body. The more you practice, the easier it will be to allow it. And for those of you who overwork to avoid these feelings, remember that sometime the work that needs to be done is "not working". 
  
  

Having a menu of strategies to help me regularly incorporate rest can make a difference - When we're feeling exhausted and depleted it's hard to think of ways to more easily enter a state of rest. So here are a few suggestions to keep handy when you're ready to up your rest game:

• Rate how well you do with giving yourself permission to rest on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is rarely giving yourself permission and 10 is almost always giving yourself permission. Consider what is necessary to help you move up on that scale and take small steps to achieve that. Assessing your rating on a weekly basis is a good way to become aware of how much work you may need to do to allow yourself more rest.
  
  
• Identify your current thoughts and beliefs about rest. Be curious and explore your reasons for wanting to rest more as well as your resistance to rest. For each thought and belief, note whether the thought is helping you to reach your goal to get more rest or if it is an obstacle. For each obstacle, brainstorm strategies to overcome the obstacle. Decide whether you want to reframe the concept of rest and the meaning and value it has to you personally.
  
  
• Check in with your body periodically and notice physical tiredness, signs of tension (neck, shoulders, jaw, etc.) and other indicators that you're in need of rest. Make this a part of your morning or evening routine.
  
  
• Dedicate a space for your rest. It may be a chair, room, or area of a room that allows you to feel relaxed. Whenever you come across this space, let it be a trigger for you to think about when you will take your rest for the day.
  
  
• Practice experiencing rest by starting with small pockets of time. Set a timer for 5, 10 or 15 minutes. Notice how it feels. Does it feel rejuvenating? Are you noticing thoughts that generate feelings of guilt (I should be doing something other than resting right now)? Ask yourself why you may be choosing that thought and what thoughts you could think instead to help you savor your time of rest.
  
  
• Set a reminder to pop up on your phone, computer or calendar to take a rest break. Get up and stretch if you feel you need passive physical rest. Step outside for a few minutes. If you're at your desk, pause and close your eyes and do nothing for 2 minutes.
  
  
• Set an intention to make rest a regular part of your life and get clear on why you want to rest more. Knowing why it matters can be a great motivator when it feels hard to follow through.
  
  
• Cultivate rest as a habit. Look for opportunities to rest throughout your day. Make it a part of your self-care routine. Along with eating healthy meals, exercising regularly, maintaining adequate hydration, and getting the quality and quantity of sleep you need, making time for consistent rest is an important way to optimize your health and well-being.
  
  

Remember as you set out on this journey to focus on progress, not perfection. Look at it as an experiment where you get to see what works, what doesn't and what may be missing from your plan to help you get to where you want to be. Take time to track and celebrate your wins and learn from your losses.

If you're interested in finding more information on rest, check out the following resources:

• Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Renew our Sanity, by Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD
• The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it, TEDx Atlanta, Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD 
• Rest: Why you get more done when you work less, by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

 
Hopefully this article gets you to think about the last time you felt truly rested and encourages you to take action to remove your obstacles to rest. 

What gets in your way of rest? Share your top challenge with rest in the comments below along with any strategies you've found helpful.

​Let's start a radical rest revolution.