Question: How are you?

Answer: I'm fine.

Question: How are you, really?

Answer: Well actually, I'm exhausted.

The above scenario is not an uncommon one. In speaking to team members, clients and friends, when asking the second question, the response is almost always different than the initial answer. I'm guilty of this myself, especially when the question is asked in the midst of a period of busyness.

While well-intended, the question, "How are you?" tends to elicit a habitual response. In our fast-paced world, we rarely take the time to pause and check in with ourself to see how we are. The follow-up question provides an opportunity to disrupt the automatic response.

After tuning in, many realize that they are tired, exhausted, depleted. When do you take your rest? Do you wait until you are completely exhausted or are forced to rest (illness, injury, etc.)? The natural thought that follows the awareness of depleted energy is a need to get more rest. It sounds simple, but getting the rest we say we want can prove to be challenging.

In exploring why it feels so hard to rest, I did some research and reflection and learned a few interesting things that I wanted to share.

There are many different types of rest.
When you think of rest, what comes to mind? If you're like the majority of the population, you think of sleep, but according to Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, author and rest expert, there are 7 types of rest: Physical (includes active and passive forms), Mental, Sensory, Creative, Emotional, Social and Spiritual. She says that many of us are "rest-deprived". Noticing what type of rest you need is really important. Keep in mind you may need more than one form of rest depending on what's going on in your life. If you participated in a weekend educational conference that included a series of Zoom calls and online networking, you may need mental, sensory and social rest. That may consist of a day without screens, spending time outdoors in nature alone or with people where the interactions feel restorative and rejuvenating.
 
Rest will feel out of reach until you address the obstacles in the way.
We tell ourselves that we need rest and almost immediately our mind begins to run a long list of of very convincing reasons for why we can't rest. I spent some time reflecting on my own reasons (otherwise known as excuses) for why I don't allow myself to rest more. Here are the ones that come up most often:

• I don't have enough time - This thought is really poisonous. "Enough" is subjective and it seems that time is one asset that we rarely feel we have enough of. If we wait until we feel like we have enough time, rest will come infrequently, if at all. Be aware of the associated thoughts including I'm too busy and There's too much to do. Prioritize rest by scheduling it on your calendar as you would any other important appointment.
  
  
• Believing that rest = lazy - I grew up in a culture where rest was discouraged. There was always something to do (as evidenced by an adult relative stating they can find something for you to do if you were "just laying around with nothing to do"). I remember watching my aunt go from one activity to the next while silently willing her to just sit down and spend time with me during my summer visits. As I think of the women in my family and community I remember them always doing something. And while I now know that rest is not synonymous with laziness, it's taking some time to dismantle this belief. Identifying the beliefs that you have that get in the way of rest is important because once you are aware of them, you can then determine whether they are serving you and choose to let them go or keep them. 
  
  
• An unwillingness to experience uncomfortable emotions - When we create space and time for rest we may be greeted by unfamiliar and unwelcome thoughts and emotions. There is a reason for the global epidemic of busyness and overwork. We are chasing after serial accomplishments (usually without pausing long enough to acknowledge or celebrate them) and running from fears, doubts and insecurities. If you're busy for most of your waking hours, there's little time left to think about a troubled relationship, weight creep, dissatisfaction with work, etc. So what do you do? First, set an intention to be willing to tolerate and experience any emotion whether positive or negative. Next, notice what thoughts and emotions come up when you've planned time for rest. Can you allow the emotion to be there without fighting it, resisting it or fleeing from it? Practice tolerating it for just a few minutes and see what it feels like in your body. The more you practice, the easier it will be to allow it. And for those of you who overwork to avoid these feelings, remember that sometime the work that needs to be done is "not working". 
  
  

Having a menu of strategies to help me regularly incorporate rest can make a difference - When we're feeling exhausted and depleted it's hard to think of ways to more easily enter a state of rest. So here are a few suggestions to keep handy when you're ready to up your rest game:

• Rate how well you do with giving yourself permission to rest on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is rarely giving yourself permission and 10 is almost always giving yourself permission. Consider what is necessary to help you move up on that scale and take small steps to achieve that. Assessing your rating on a weekly basis is a good way to become aware of how much work you may need to do to allow yourself more rest.
  
  
• Identify your current thoughts and beliefs about rest. Be curious and explore your reasons for wanting to rest more as well as your resistance to rest. For each thought and belief, note whether the thought is helping you to reach your goal to get more rest or if it is an obstacle. For each obstacle, brainstorm strategies to overcome the obstacle. Decide whether you want to reframe the concept of rest and the meaning and value it has to you personally.
  
  
• Check in with your body periodically and notice physical tiredness, signs of tension (neck, shoulders, jaw, etc.) and other indicators that you're in need of rest. Make this a part of your morning or evening routine.
  
  
• Dedicate a space for your rest. It may be a chair, room, or area of a room that allows you to feel relaxed. Whenever you come across this space, let it be a trigger for you to think about when you will take your rest for the day.
  
  
• Practice experiencing rest by starting with small pockets of time. Set a timer for 5, 10 or 15 minutes. Notice how it feels. Does it feel rejuvenating? Are you noticing thoughts that generate feelings of guilt (I should be doing something other than resting right now)? Ask yourself why you may be choosing that thought and what thoughts you could think instead to help you savor your time of rest.
  
  
• Set a reminder to pop up on your phone, computer or calendar to take a rest break. Get up and stretch if you feel you need passive physical rest. Step outside for a few minutes. If you're at your desk, pause and close your eyes and do nothing for 2 minutes.
  
  
• Set an intention to make rest a regular part of your life and get clear on why you want to rest more. Knowing why it matters can be a great motivator when it feels hard to follow through.
  
  
• Cultivate rest as a habit. Look for opportunities to rest throughout your day. Make it a part of your self-care routine. Along with eating healthy meals, exercising regularly, maintaining adequate hydration, and getting the quality and quantity of sleep you need, making time for consistent rest is an important way to optimize your health and well-being.
  
  

Remember as you set out on this journey to focus on progress, not perfection. Look at it as an experiment where you get to see what works, what doesn't and what may be missing from your plan to help you get to where you want to be. Take time to track and celebrate your wins and learn from your losses.

If you're interested in finding more information on rest, check out the following resources:

• Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Renew our Sanity, by Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD
• The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it, TEDx Atlanta, Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD 
• Rest: Why you get more done when you work less, by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

 
Hopefully this article gets you to think about the last time you felt truly rested and encourages you to take action to remove your obstacles to rest. 

What gets in your way of rest? Share your top challenge with rest in the comments below along with any strategies you've found helpful.

​Let's start a radical rest revolution.

I was catching up with a friend and colleague and shared my recent decision to pass on an opportunity to pursue a new project that would require a significant investment of time on top of my usual responsibilities. Little did I know how timely that decision would be.

The impetus for making the decision came from a voice that whispered, “Create space and time to be there for your family.” Normally, I would believe that I could do both - handle all that I already had on my overflowing plate AND support my family. But, on this occasion the message caused me to pause and reconsider the habitual response.

Just a few weeks after that decision was made, my brother died. I was grateful that I had freed up time and space to be able t travel to be with my family and grieve the loss.

This is not the first time that I’ve been glad that I’ve listened to that voice. After entering my rank list for the residency match, while still sitting at the computer, I heard that voice ask, “If you knew you could go anywhere you wanted to go, where would you choose?” My answer was currently sitting at the middle of my list. It didn’t seem to be the logical choice as I was a newly single mother with a five-year old and no family in the area of that residency program. But, I made what at the time seemed like an impulsive decision to move that program up to the number one spot, rationalizing that I wouldn’t match there anyway so what difference would it make.

Fast forward to Match Day. I almost cried when I realized I’d matched to my first choice. Why wasn’t I happy? Because the logical side of me kicked in and shared with me a long list of all the reasons that this was a bad idea. For those of you who know me, you know how it turned out. It was the best decision I could have made at the time and I went on to have a long and successful career as an academician and clinician.

So what is this inner voice? Some people call it your intuition or gut instinct. It’s the sense that you feel when you walk into a room full of tension without anyone having to say a word. It’s the whisper you hear to change direction to avoid danger. Or the gut feeling you have when you meet someone that they’re not who they appear to be.

Your inner voice is the soft, gentle voice that helps to guide you and direct you by sharing wisdom. It is kind and intelligent and has your best interest at heart. It’s a kind of knowing or innate wisdom. It is not the inner critic which tends to be harsh, judgmental and sometimes just plain mean.

It’s helpful to listen to your inner voice as it can serve as an important guide in your life as you’re making decisions, both big and small.

Here are 3 simple steps to start listening to your inner voice:

1. Discern - The first step is simply in learning to hear the voice. There is often so much noise in our world that it drowns out the soft inner voice. When you’re constantly busy, there’s not much time to hear it either. Slow down and create some space in your day for solitude and stillness. It may be first thing in the morning before everyone else is up. Or late at night if you’re a night owl. It may come to you while you’re in the shower, during a drive or while out walking/running. The key is to carve out time for you. This is usually when the voice is more active and can get your attention.

2. Decipher - Once you’ve heard the voice and it has your attention, the next step is to actively listen to the message. What information is the voice sharing with you? It may come in the form of a thought or a feeling. It can also be a sensation in your body, pleasant (gentle warmth flooding your body or chills) or unpleasant (GI discomfort, headache, anxiety) or a change in your behavior, such as disrupted sleep or eating habits. Treat the voice like a dashboard light that has come on in your car. It’s an indicator that’s designed to get your attention and let you know that you may need to check out your engine or oil level. In this case, be curious and see what information the message from your inner voice may be bringing you.

3. Decide — Now that you’ve heard the voice and explored the message, you get to choose what you want to do with the information. Maybe you take action in response to the information or you decide to ignore it. Whatever you decide, be honest with yourself about the reasons or your decision and commit to it. You can always make a new decision when you have more information. 

Set an intention to listen for your inner voice. It’s a practice - learning how to tune inward when there is so much in the outer world calling for your attention takes time and skill. Remember to focus on the progress you’re making and don’t expect perfection. 

What helps you to hear your inner voice? Share in the comments below or send me a private message to let me know, michelle@drmichellebailey.com.
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My family and I have been overwhelmed by the generous outpouring of support received in response to the passing of my brother.
This reminded me of the power of community in helping us navigate major life challenges and changes, both personally and professionally.

These communities can be in-person or virtual and may last for a season or over a longer period of time. 

In thinking about the communities I've had the opportunity to facilitate - past and present - the most successful ones have several elements in common.

Safety
Creating safe space where people can feel free to be themselves is extremely important in community. At times where we are most vulnerable, this level of safety can allow you to explore thoughts, feelings and actions that lead to valuable insights and clarity.

Trust
This goes hand in hand with safety. It relates not only to trusting the individuals that make up the community, but also trusting in the process of giving and receiving that occurs.

Confidentiality
The most powerful communities have an agreement of "Vegas rules". What is shared within the group, stays within the group. Most breaches of confidentiality occur without malicious intent, but yet may still unintentionally cause harm. Self-disclosure is allowed. Don't disclose for others.

Non-judgment
It's rare to find spaces where you are not judged or judging. In a supportive community, judgment is suspended. This doesn't mean that judgmental thoughts may not arise. The judge is typically the most active part of our mind and many of these thoughts occur unconsciously, With practice and awareness, you can begin to notice when these thoughts are present and consciously choose not to act from a place of judgment. This is not faking it either. People can feel the intent that fuels your words and actions.

Shared experiences
There are often events or circumstances that bond us together as a community. Whether it's being born into a family, going through a rigorous training or curriculum together, facing a similar life challenge or collaborating on a project with an important mission, these shared experiences connect us. And this often provides an opportunity to get to know people with different views, backgrounds and other experiences.

Mutual respect
This requires that you bring an open mind and an open heart to each interaction you have within the community. Be respectful when someone is sharing and practice active listening. Listen to understand. Be curious. And give people the benefit of the doubt, when needed. We really are all on the same team (you know, that human race).

Compassion
Another practice that can be invaluable to strengthen a community is compassion for others and also for self. Life can bring us challenges and events that we interpret as painful. It doesn't help to add additional pain in the form of suffering by beating up on ourselves or others. My own coach recently shared a question that she asks herself when she is struggling or life feels hard, "What's the matter, Love?" I thought this was such a beautiful and tender way to talk to yourself. It's how I would show up for my loved ones when they are struggling, 

I feel fortunate that I not only get to facilitate community for others, but also to be a part of powerful communities myself. If you are a leader or teacher, you may also facilitate community and hold space for others, but ask yourself if you have a community that you feel you are a part of where you can also receive and not just give. I'm grateful for my diverse, welcoming and supportive community of family and friends. I strongly believe that it takes a village, not just to raise a child, but to thrive in life. 

Let me know what you would add to the list above. May you always have the support of community.

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